The Trial Week

For months, I've been asking myself one question.

What if I actually stayed home?

It's a question that's been sitting quietly in the back of my mind, growing louder with every work trip, every daycare pickup, every Sunday night, and every conversation about what our family could look like if I stepped away from my career.

But it's always been theoretical.

Until now.

Our nanny recently told us she would be taking a week of vacation. Normally, my husband and I would do what we've always done—we'd divide the days, juggle meetings, work from home when we could, lean on grandparents, and somehow make it all work.

It's the dance so many working parents know by heart.

This time, though, I surprised both of us.

I looked at my husband and said, "No. You go to work all week. Let me do this."

Not because I had to.

Because I wanted to know.

Could I actually do this?

More importantly...

How would it feel?

Then I realized something that honestly shocked me.

I've never been alone with both of my kids for more than two days.

Weekends don't count because my husband is home. Vacation doesn't count because we're together. Even when our nanny is out, we normally split the week so we're both balancing childcare and work.

Here I am, seriously considering leaving a career I've spent years building to become a stay-at-home mom, yet I've never actually lived that reality for an entire week.

How could I make one of the biggest decisions of my life without knowing what it truly feels like?

That's what this week is.

Not a vacation.

Not an experiment to prove I can handle it.

I already know I can.

It's a chance to stop imagining and start experiencing.

It's funny because logically, I know I can stay home.

I'm capable.

I love my kids more than anything.

I know how to take care of them.

But there's something deeper that's harder to admit.

I'm afraid.

Not afraid of diapers or tantrums or endless snacks.

I'm afraid of who I'll become.

I've spent my entire adult life building a career I love. I've chased promotions, led incredible teams, built strategies, traveled the country, and tied so much of my identity to being successful professionally.

Somewhere along the way, I convinced myself that if I stepped away from that world...

...I'd lose a piece of myself.

That I'd be unhappy.

That staying home would somehow make my world feel smaller.

Those fears are hard to say out loud because they don't mean I don't want to be with my kids.

They mean I'm trying to untangle years of believing success only looked one way.

If I'm being completely honest, there are days working from home when closing my office door feels like a break.

A meeting can feel quieter than refereeing two toddlers.

Answering emails can feel easier than calming meltdowns.

There are moments when escaping to my office is exactly that—an escape.

And maybe that's why this decision feels so complicated.

Because staying home isn't easier.

Working isn't easier either.

They're just hard in different ways.

Then there are the Sunday scaries.

For years, they've been part of my routine.

The mental checklist.

The meetings.

The travel.

The childcare logistics.

The lunches.

The calendar that somehow looks impossible before the week even starts.

People sometimes imagine working moms simply "go to work."

But many of us are actually living in two worlds at once.

You're thinking about a presentation while wondering if your daughter remembered her blanket for nap time.

You're answering Slack messages while listening for crying downstairs.

You're trying to be fully present in two places that both deserve all of you.

Maybe that's why neither side ever feels completely easy.

So instead of continuing to imagine what staying home might feel like...

I'm going to experience it.

For one week.

No splitting childcare.

No trading off.

No squeezing meetings between naps.

Just me.

The kids.

The routines.

The messes.

The magic.

The exhaustion.

The joy.

The boredom.

All of it.

Not because one week can tell me exactly what life would be like forever.

It can't.

But maybe it can answer a different question.

Not Can I do this?

I already know I can.

The question is...

Can I picture a life where this feels enough?

As this trial week gets closer, I'm surprised by how excited I am.

And how nervous.

Part of me hopes I'll discover that staying home is everything I've been craving.

Another part worries I'll miss work more than I expected.

Maybe both things will be true.

Maybe I'll find myself somewhere in the middle.

Whatever happens, I want to be honest about it.

Because this isn't really a trial week to see whether I can take care of my children.

It's a trial week to understand myself.

To learn what fills me up.

What drains me.

What I miss.

What I don't.

And whether the life I've been imagining actually feels the way I think it will.

I don't expect to have all the answers by Friday.

But I do think I'll know myself a little better.

And right now, that feels like exactly what I need.